too hard buddy..

how would you feel.. if at the end of something you were trying to achieve..and you could'nt, somebody comes and tells you that 'you tried too hard buddy!'
Well i, for one, would be really pissed and ask him to go watch pinky and the brain.

But what happens when u get to this realisation by yourself?
I'll tell you what happened with me.. i felt a moment of real peace..where everything is. You are. And i am. thats that. nothing more, nothing less.
It might sound weird, but the whole realisation was set off by a visual- a diya besides a tulsi plant in the corner of our garden. With a million thoughts buzzing in my head ( 'i havta book my tickets,' 'have my biceps grown?', 'will she call', screwing minissha lamba etc etc etc) i saw this diya from the corner of my eye. such a serene, tranquil, beautiful light falling on the plant..when the night temeperature was perfectly right on my skin..like the hand of a lover in yours..everything for a moment was as it should be.

For a moment, howsoever brief it might be, i felt joyous to be alive. This was the purpose of life.. this..this..and then it faded away. with a smile i moved on inside..my mind chattering again..

it was wen i was about to sleep that the realisation came to me fully..that how hard we try to be. to be happy, to be loved, to be wanted, to be sucessfull, to be someone, to be something..while the key is just 'to be'. im not sure that i fully understand it..and i can't follow this key in totality..that wud b perfect..but the exciting thing is that how such realisations come in sudden flashes..maybe weeks, months or maybe an year's life adding upto that flash of understanding, a faraway beacon of knowledge.

even now im perturbed...but armed with a key which fits sometimes in the lock..

lets c. or better still- lets b.

[as a post script i ll mention the key point again as the viper pointed out 'im still trying hard!..but boy..you gotta be hard at the correct time and place ;) ]

VIPER says

"well i hate bloggers...coz they are confused and have nothign to do..they are failed writers who cud not carve out a publication for themselves...

pheww...in the end I am THE FAT VIPER!!"

- vishav vikram kapoor aka the Fat Viper.

Mr Viper i agree with you.

wtf..

18 days, coupla doctors and 'no diagnosis' later, im feeling angry and the first touch of what one would call panic. early rumblings of it'll go away have now turned into 'wtf is wrong with me'

inviting doctors and quacks with alternative therapies..

gonna bake a pie..

"when the world is grey and bleak
baby dont you cry

i will give you all my love,
bake it into a simple little pie

baby dont you cry
gonna bake a pie
gonna bake a pie
with a heart in the middle

baby dont be blue
gonna make for you
gonna bake a pie
with a heart in the middle

gonna bake a pie
from the heavens above
gonna be filled with strawberry love

baby dont you cry
gonna make a pie
i will hold you forever
in the middle of it all..

baby heres the sun
and baby heres the sky
baby im your light and im your shelter

baby you're mine
i could freeze the time
keep you in the kitchen with me forever

gonna bake a pie
from the heavens above
gonna be filled with strawberry love

baby dont you cry
gonna bake a pie
and hold you forever
in the middle of it all"



- in fond memory of adrienne shelly
24th june,1966- 1st nov, 2006

and for words unsaid and moments yet not lived.

really?

"She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey"

Me: What

Me 2: nothing.

Me: really?

Me 2: um hmm

Me: tell me

Me 2: what

Me: nothing.

"Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there"

Me: Would you miss me once i'm gone?

Me2: of course i would. why do you ask?

Me: just.

Me2: you think its going to rain?

Me: sure hope it does.

Me2: damn i dont want to get wet.

Me: Um hmm

"will she come back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres room to grow, hey, hey"

Me: its..

Me2: haan?

Me: well..u want smthing to eat?

Me2: sure.

Me: what'll you have

Me2: i dunno. im not too hungry..

Me: i think i ll have tea.

Me2: me too.

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and ME"

Me: we're there

Me2: hmm..

Me: so..

Me2: yeah.

Me: listen..

Me2: haan..

Me: bye

Me2: bbye.

"Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back towards the milky way"

mute again...(when will i learn to move on!!)

this here is one of my 'copyright sodomised' films which i ve sorta tried to patch up minus the music..its wholly mine now. hook, line and minissha lamba!

the time is now..

'Michael. Dear Michael. Of course it's you, who else could they send, who else could be trusted? I... I know it's a long way and you're ready to go to work... all I'm saying is wait, just wait, just-just-just... please hear me out because this is not an episode, relapse, fuck-up, it's... I'm begging you Michael. I'm begging you. Try and make believe this is not just madness because this is not just madness. Two weeks ago I came out of the building, okay, I'm running across Sixth Avenue, there's a car waiting, I got exactly 38 minutes to get to the airport and I'm dictating. There's this, this panicked associate sprinting along beside me, scribbling in a notepad, and suddenly she starts screaming, and I realize we're standing in the middle of the street, the light's changed, there's this wall of traffic, serious traffic speeding towards us, and I... I-I freeze, I can't move, and I'm suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation that I'm covered with some sort of film. It's in my hair, my face... it's like a glaze... like a... a coating, and... at first I thought, oh my god, I know what this is, this is some sort of amniotic - embryonic - fluid. I'm drenched in afterbirth, I've-I've breached the chrysalis, I've been reborn. But then the traffic, the stampede, the cars, the trucks, the horns, the screaming and I'm thinking no-no-no-no, reset, this is not rebirth, this is some kind of giddy illusion of renewal that happens in the final moment before death. And then I realize no-no-no, this is completely wrong because I look back at the building and I had the most stunning moment of clarity. I... I... I... I realized Michael, that I had emerged not from the doors of Kenner, Bach, and Ledeen, not through the portals of our vast and powerful law firm, but from the asshole of an organism whose sole function is to excrete the... the-the-the poison, the ammo, the defoliant necessary for other, larger, more powerful organisms to destroy the miracle of humanity. And that I had been coated in this patina of shit for the best part of my life. The stench of it and the stain of it would in all likelihood take the rest of my life to undo. And you know what I did? I took a deep cleansing breath and I set that notion aside. I tabled it. I said to myself as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling as this is, as true a thing as I believe that I have witnessed today, it must wait. It must stand the test of time. And Michael, the time is now.'


The time is now.
The time is now.
The time is..
The time..
The..