Ping Xiong-Ch4

Setting:

Aleyandro: [again confused by what to call himself. This time he is taking the easy way out. He is going by the name "Nameless"] He is confused warrior who just recently killed 3 hot assassins. 

Dimitri: The wannabe king who wanted to unite the whole of Chink land for simple reason that his twinky likes the pale yellow chinks. 

3 haat assassins: Deadly lil miho!!thats what people call them when they see them. But the legend says that nobody has seen them. So they have to be called miho. But anyways they are deadly this also goes by the legend. Their lethality is yet to be seen by naked eyes. They say none live to tell the tortourous stories of they were deprived of the carnal pleasures.

Set: A large castle. Its in a bad shape because me and steven are struggling writers and can't afford to have a brand new castle for aleyandro and dimitri to play kingpin. A bunch of wrinkled old chinese are standing next to Dimitri to give him their piece of mind. [These wrinkled old farts are courtsey Chinese Asylum.]

here we go....

Dimitri: In pin safety pin...ching ping ouuu...khelna hai to khel-lou warna get ouuu...Minister call the nameless warrior.

Minister: Money haiiii to honey haii....aando....

[Nameless warrior enters the castle and as he is walking these old wrinkled farts come and start measuring the 100 steps from their king Dimitri......1 hour has passed by....2 hours...finally they have counted 100 steps. Now they run back to hide and kick the fat wrinkly announcer. its his turn. Next time steven we will get some good farts.]

Fat Wrinkly Announcer:[he takes his features from his father- QT. It is said that during the shooting of Sukiyaki bla bla banjo QT impregnated his mother with his seed. QT as of now is recuperating from the donation. These chinks can be sometimes a demanding lot.] Haeee Yaa.a.a....Nameless warrior chu chu cha cha chi chi ka ka ka ki ki...[faak steven he spent the money on his weed and got me a dyslexic announcer]

[Anyways the warrior of Nameless stature doesnot need an announcer. He needs viagra. He sits and looks at dimitri]

Dimitri: tu aaa ki kita??

Nameless: In his majesty's royal service i killed all the 3 haat assassins- the flying cow, broken elbow and the fly. Now your royal arse can rest in peace.

Dimitri: they say that they were real haat beauties. i have been with broken elbow. She was wonderful but her elbow always made cracking noise. Must have been broken...anyways considering the pervert that i am i want to listen about their beauty....and how did you overcome it .[in his mind: hez a faaaking Nazi. A looser par excelon.]

Nameless: Your majesty is very perceptive. Indeed they were hard to faaak...i mean kill...As you know that fly milked flyin cow once. After that broken elbow never drank milk. So my plan was simple. I made fly milk cow once more and added poison to it. i took it and asked broken elbow to drink milk. SHe did it for the Rock and died. But she did not drink all of it. So i gave rest of it to cow, She did for the Rock. She died. But she also left some of it. So...this is the hard part dude..then i dared fly to drink cow's milk again and i told her that it contains poison. She did it for i don;t know who. She was fat and orc like. She ate anything and everything. She died. and here i am licking your majesty's royal arse.

Dimitri: Faak u...

Nameless: Faak u...

Dimitri: Do u knwo y i did it?

Nameless: You did it for the Rock??

Dimitri: Yea that's one of the reasons but...i had a dream. That i was in playboy mansion. Hugh hefener was out of town and will not come back for 2 days. I was with all the bunnies. Feeding them and taking care of them. Then that son of chooosss lee woke me up. I chopped off his balls and went back to sleep. I had another dream...Our L*nd. I want to unify all the l*nd that is there in the bosom of china and make a big fat African l*nd so that when people see it...they say Once you go Black you never come back....

[With that Nameless also died. He had taken some of cow's milk just to check whether the poison was authentic or not. Dimitri sat there with his candles dancing to his farts. The old wrinkled farts remained hidden. Fat wrinkled announcer thought of his Dad.]

It was that day and now....they still call it...Our L*nd

The adventures of Alejandro n Dmitri : Steven's Seige

Location: the 'thermonuclear trans-semi-ponder-ducer facilty of advanced neo-meta particulation phenomena'..better known as W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R.

Time: late..really late

Alejandro and Dmitri are standing outside the gates of 'you know what'. a titanium grill runs along the perimeter of of the facility. Apparently, the people inside do not want people on the outside to enter. they could ve used a door for that purpose..but a door is no match for Alejandro and Dmitri..who are trained to destroy.

On this occasion, Steven - the evil architect of the local matrix, and the opposer of Subway, has held Master Po captive. The facilty is under 'Steven's Seige' and Alejandro's and dmitri's mission is to rtetrieve it and get master Po to safety.

Alejandro : ill ella elle mcpherson

Dmitri: ill ull dum heidi klum

Alejandro: what do we zoo dmitri

Dmitri: we zoo nothing you fool. remember the instructions..they be watchin us.

at this moment Dmitri looked at Alejandro, pursed his lips...and thought:

Dmitri (in his mind..directed towards Alejandro) : free your mind ho..free your mind bitch..!

Alejandro stares back at him. Dmitri looks worried.

Dmitri (in his mind again): Man im gaana fill ur Sub with pickle and jalapeno! (no answer) Shit this mind-communication thing doesnt work.."

Alejandro doesnt say anything. just a twitch of the lips

Dmitri (in his mind..yet again): im gonna faack yer wife when you re out in lebanon..and while im at it i ll also screw your..

Alejandro: faaack you dmitri..

Dmitri: faack you you faat farse pig humper..you..you..

Alejandro: you be wanting a piece o me haaa?

Dmitri: no i be not wanting that coz a piece o u is larger than a hog's backside..

Alejandro: faaack yourself!

Dmitri: i'll do that right after your motha..

Alejandro: Fack you..

dmitri: fack you too..

Silence. now it so happens that Steven and his cronies were watching this conversation..they thought they were having a fight. So they switched off the security monitors and started watching pinky and the brain.

Meanwhile..outside 'W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R...

Dmitri (into his mic piece): Tank..plug me in the matrix.

Tank: sure..what do you need!

Alejandro: Nuns..lots of Nuns.

Dmitri: what the..

but by that time its too late. A row full of nuns appear, neatly standing in shelves..categorised by different cup sizes.

Dmitri: what the faack haan slaami..what re we spos'd to do witha ll these nuns. you were spsd 2
say guns you mothafucka!!!

Alejandro: relax me ho..

Dmitri: but no sonuvabitcha has ever tried this before..!!

Alejandro: we be men mothafucka..the bitches be inside..and that is why its gonna be wrking!

Alejandro winks at a nun. the nun smiles. A chain of reactions begins. 100,000 nuns advance towards the thermonuclear whatever facilty.

Sometime later:

Master po, dmitri and alejandro are sipping something too secret to be named. What happend with the nnuns will remain a mystery, coz that enables a reader to think and ponder and fathom and stuff.

the point is..a beautiful russian chick (pronounced cheeek) paased the trio at that moment.

Alejandro: man thats anya the fair one

Dmitri: faack you man..fair or naat..she be mine..

And dmitri ran. alejandro follows.

Master po: aah..they be followin the white bunny!

Master Po closes his eyes and enters a deep meditative sleep.

Alejandro and Dmitri : the prequel ; Ch-1 by the viper

My friend Dimitri (a proud confident, US loving, Global warming hating, Al-gore fetishing, law abiding citizen) always complains that i dont tell stories. So here we go Dimitri only for you. If anybody has complains then please curse dimitri because he is solely responsible for putting us through this tormenting turmoil.

So the characters of the story are

Alejandro(pronounced as aleyandro): a confused person who is not happy with the name his parents had given him and recently he has aked everyone to call him Hani Slaam.

Dimitri: a CIA operative who loves Al-gore. Al-gorically he hates global warming. Wait a minute..i told this before also

Anya: a russian hot beautiful woman. That's the most deadly or lethal variant of woman ever to grace the planet earth. (in guest appearance)

and few other bunch of loosers you will become familiar with while i walk you through the story.

here we go..

Dimitri: Dude i saw al-gore's daughter. She is way to hot. I wonder how al-gore plans to take on global warming when you have so many hot females lurking around the planet raising the temperature and causing the glaciers to melt.

Alejandro( confused whether to call himself Hani Salaam or not): hmmm..

Dimitri: Aleyandro...Aleyandro...

Hani Salaam: its Hani Salaam...

finally alejandro or hani has made a decision. Dimitri is troubled by this name changing regime. He has to remember a lot of names. Say yesterday it was Mikhail and day before Abrustki and day before that day Nabakanezzar(say it like ne-ba-ke-ne-czar). He wants to fix him up with a shrink. But its only his uncorrupted love for Haani Salaam that he is not doing it.

Dimitri: Ever wondered how difficult will it be for your children and your wife to live with you like that. In the morning they will be kissing a Mexican and in the evening they will be having a Jordanian for their father.

Haani Salaam: Jordanian...it sounds cool.

Dimitri: Leave it. Theres no point discussing it with you. Come on lets go for dinner. There is this amazing sea food festival going on.

Haani Salaam: Sea food...[in his mind: yuck..thoo..sick...faaaak...crabs...eeeee.....tarantula...harr harrr...]. I like sea food. But today i am not in mood. Let's go to haveli (a cheap restaurant with a nice decent food. Plus 30% discount for Jordanians)

Dimitri:[in his mind: cheap man. why dont i have rich friends who can afford nice decent sea food] Haveli is a nice option but i would rather spend my buck on sea food than go there.

Haani Salaam: In that case we can go to JMRD(short for jai mata raani dhaba)..it will be cheap there

Dimitri: [in his brain: heights of cheapness...that place where all the cheapras go. For faaak sake please give this fat Jordanian some brain] I am not going to that god forsaken place. Holy cow...sweet faaking baby Geezuz..can;t you see that entire place is cheaper than my slippers. I can't let people see me self over there. What has happened to you? I can;t believe you are telling me this.

Haani Salaam: Man...

Dimitri: What...you can't arrange for bike...you cant arrange for a nice place for dinner..you are shit...you are faaaking nothin...you russian jordanian prick....

Haani Salaam: [in his mind: punch, low blow....1 2 3 4 take a deep breadth calm down...put a smile on your face] Chalo lets go to your fav place Subway. You happy you...

Dimitri: Subway[thank lord almighty for bestowing ur grace on this fat bastard]...hmm...ehmm...hmm.....hummm....umm....(pretending to be deep in thot) ok lets go. But arrange for a bike please.

Haani Salaam: When it comes to bikes i am the king.

Dimitri: Ehh...you could not do it that day and that day...and that day and that day and that day also...You call urself a bike arranger you deek

Haani Salaam: Come on take out your measuring tape. Pull out the monster and lets measure it for once and all.[in his mind: today is the day of enlightenment.]

Dimitri: [gives him the Look.]

friends there have been very rare occasions when Dimitri has taken the harsh recourse of using the Look. People say when he gives the Look the shit in their pants. People say that grass never grows at places where he gives the Look. People say that children stop whinning when he gives the Look. People say that they have heard above things from people.

Haani Salaam: Ok i am going.

so now Haani Salaam leaves his room and goes to meet his homees[this spelling mistake in intentional] to arrange for a bike. First he goes to Black Mamba. He can put coal to shame. There is nothing more black about this fellow than the sheer color of his skin. Without sounding any more racists i want to make you aware of a fact: Amerian chicks have orgasm every time they do ding dong. Chinese have everytime they play ping pong. Indians dont understand either so they call it dhin chuk dhin chuk. African chicks have 2 per session. No marks for guessing the reason. Anyways coming back to the point. Black Mamba, as he was called by Aleyandro, now Haani Salaam, had a well maintained bike.

Haani Salaam: Hey dude can you give me your bike, I have urgent business to attend to. Actually my local guardian is not well.[ As dimitri said]

Black Mamba: No re. I dont give it to anybody. Aliens ask me. So does Arse leeckers. I cant give it you. Sorry be.

Haani Salaam: Chill dude. We are homees.

Dejected and sad Haani Salaam proceeds to next option, but it now that he realises that there is no second option. So he heads back to his room. He knows Dimitri will be waiting there with his vicious smile and poisonous taunts. If only God can strike him down with lightening.

Haani Salaam: Yea yea, laugh, taunt...

Dimitri: You good for nothing fat elephant.

[Suspense Element: They have reached the Subway and they both look happy. How and what happened. I dont know. Any Guesses??...boy this is some nail biting suspense. My hair are erect with the sheer excitement]

On reaching the Subway, Dimitri greets the Subway sandwich maker. It is his way of making alliances so that he can get that extra piece of cheese and also that extra myonese sauce and also that extra mustard sauce for free. Once Dimitri told me that Americans pay for these sauces. He felt extremely lucky not to go through the same ritual as his fellow al-gore loving americans do. He loved Al-gore but he loved the green paper more.

So now they both order their respective Subs.

Dimitri: Yea i know your usual style, nothing except for the onions and chilly sauce. You Jordanians.

Haani Salaam: Ela oooo Ekbar

Dimitri: Ikh Ella

[ If you are unable to follow what they are saying then don't worry. They are saying nothing of consequence over here.]

Haani Salaam: Now stop those mating calls

[ See i told you na nothing of consequence]

Dimitri: hmm...[taking a big bite of the sub]

it is at this critical juncture that the most beautiful girl enters the subway with a couple of her male friends. She is the kind of girl a Jordanian would die for. She is the kind of a girl who has no freckles on her skin like the Americans. She is the kind of a girl who speaks with a beautiful and titilating voice like the russians. She is the kind of a girl who by mistake entered the subway when two horny monsters were having their snack. She is the kind of girl whom you call Anya.

Haani Salaam: boy look at that chick, she is so clear. Crystal Clear

Dimitri: [Peeping through the side.] Now don't you do that. Its not gentlemanly. I have had plenty of chicks like that. Hold your drooling. Its making the sub wet.

Haani Salaam: [Drooling like a panda eating too many peaches]harr....harr...

grunting sounds made by haani Salaam when he is horny. Nothing to worry about.

At this critical moment i would like to stop and do an abrupt ending. This is because it adds to the suspense and also increases the amount of thinking a reader has to do. This also shows that i am sick and tired of typing.

adventures of aleyandro and dmitri

10 30 pm : Aleyandro and dmitri on a ducati blackbird B-12- Aleyandro driving and Dmitri pillion- aleyandro is singing a Rihanna song 'good girl gone bad'.. Dmitri's eyes are glazed..he has just joined the league of transformers (dmitri's transforms to a doormat!). They are heading for 'the subway' where aleyandro has formed powerful allies in his attempt to subjugate the sandwich eating realm of humanity.

Aleyandro (smtimes also known as haani salaam or salaami paan) : "easy for a good girl to go bad..eating lettuce with dim sums is a diet fad"

Dmitri: fuck you ho

Aleyandro: well you're alredy do-eeng that. would you be a mind a.. getting baaaack a leetle beet..your caaack is alrezy puzzing againzt me arse...bollocks u sodden faggot! (aleyandro recently realised that he is part british, part jordanian, part footlong with extra mayo and double helpings of cheese)

Dmitri: man im the ghostface killah..are you ready fer some mean pain. (dmitri was a delhi bred russian wanabe growing up on a lot of hip-haap. He had recently begun signing his name as 'Nelly')

Aleyandro: Ji karda bai ji karda..shut up and drive...drive..drive ( Sardar ji roots+ rihanna. Our mate aleyandro is a very rooted person)

At this point they passed an open air ambulance which was speeding a hyper ventilating patient to a nearby hospital. the guy caught a few snatches of their conversations and died of cardiac arrest. But that is useless information anyways coz he was the cook in aleyandro and dmitri's mess and cooked awful strawberry treacle tart in the main course and barley porridge for dessert.

Dmitri: man im gonna bang that haat mama Trnity (the leather clad nun from th da vinci code..or was it the matrix!)

Aleyandro: she be kikin yer arse motha.. faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccccckkkkkk!

Aleyandro screamed suddenly as he saw a butterfly in his path. they were on a collision course with a butterfly. With the speed they were going complete anhilliation was inevitable.

{arrival of Anya- that haat beautiful russian cheek who makes the tuna in yer tuna sub do a cartwheel with a mere look..and makes you wish you were a little platypus whom she would take as a pet}

Anya was an expert and skilful gymnast who had learnt everything from watching stock footage of micheal phelps (real name mikhail pheliphyl neochowsky). She did a graceful manouver, which is insescribable in words, maybe a few gurgling sounds can do the trick.

Try and understand:

gugg..glugg gulugg glugg..grrr..gugle..gugg gugg.

there. Now the ducati blackbird had an unexpected but welcome new driver. Anya took control of the bike and manouvered it past the butterfly who gave a startled look towards the oncoming racket and realised its gonna crap the hell outta her. She would ve shat in her pants if she wore any. But she just let out a small whimper and fluttered her wings
(trivia: when this footage was viewed later on scientists found out that this was what had triggered of 'the butterfly effect'. Poor ashton kutcher gaat fucked coz of this 10 45 pm aleyandric catastrophe.)

10 50pm:

Anya, aleyandro and dmitri were standing outside subway. if someone would ve looked carefully they would ve found a puddle near dmitri's left foot(that was coz he was drooling) .

what happenned with the bike and the butterfly, we shall never know..because its more suspenseful that ways. and more importantly, the narrator had to chat with the viper.

But be warned mortal one..aeyandro and dmitri shall return!!

too hard buddy..

how would you feel.. if at the end of something you were trying to achieve..and you could'nt, somebody comes and tells you that 'you tried too hard buddy!'
Well i, for one, would be really pissed and ask him to go watch pinky and the brain.

But what happens when u get to this realisation by yourself?
I'll tell you what happened with me.. i felt a moment of real peace..where everything is. You are. And i am. thats that. nothing more, nothing less.
It might sound weird, but the whole realisation was set off by a visual- a diya besides a tulsi plant in the corner of our garden. With a million thoughts buzzing in my head ( 'i havta book my tickets,' 'have my biceps grown?', 'will she call', screwing minissha lamba etc etc etc) i saw this diya from the corner of my eye. such a serene, tranquil, beautiful light falling on the plant..when the night temeperature was perfectly right on my skin..like the hand of a lover in yours..everything for a moment was as it should be.

For a moment, howsoever brief it might be, i felt joyous to be alive. This was the purpose of life.. this..this..and then it faded away. with a smile i moved on inside..my mind chattering again..

it was wen i was about to sleep that the realisation came to me fully..that how hard we try to be. to be happy, to be loved, to be wanted, to be sucessfull, to be someone, to be something..while the key is just 'to be'. im not sure that i fully understand it..and i can't follow this key in totality..that wud b perfect..but the exciting thing is that how such realisations come in sudden flashes..maybe weeks, months or maybe an year's life adding upto that flash of understanding, a faraway beacon of knowledge.

even now im perturbed...but armed with a key which fits sometimes in the lock..

lets c. or better still- lets b.

[as a post script i ll mention the key point again as the viper pointed out 'im still trying hard!..but boy..you gotta be hard at the correct time and place ;) ]

VIPER says

"well i hate bloggers...coz they are confused and have nothign to do..they are failed writers who cud not carve out a publication for themselves...

pheww...in the end I am THE FAT VIPER!!"

- vishav vikram kapoor aka the Fat Viper.

Mr Viper i agree with you.

wtf..

18 days, coupla doctors and 'no diagnosis' later, im feeling angry and the first touch of what one would call panic. early rumblings of it'll go away have now turned into 'wtf is wrong with me'

inviting doctors and quacks with alternative therapies..