My friend Dimitri (a proud confident, US loving, Global warming hating, Al-gore fetishing, law abiding citizen) always complains that i dont tell stories. So here we go Dimitri only for you. If anybody has complains then please curse dimitri because he is solely responsible for putting us through this tormenting turmoil.
So the characters of the story are
Alejandro(pronounced as aleyandro): a confused person who is not happy with the name his parents had given him and recently he has aked everyone to call him Hani Slaam.
Dimitri: a CIA operative who loves Al-gore. Al-gorically he hates global warming. Wait a minute..i told this before also
Anya: a russian hot beautiful woman. That's the most deadly or lethal variant of woman ever to grace the planet earth. (in guest appearance)
and few other bunch of loosers you will become familiar with while i walk you through the story.
here we go..
Dimitri: Dude i saw al-gore's daughter. She is way to hot. I wonder how al-gore plans to take on global warming when you have so many hot females lurking around the planet raising the temperature and causing the glaciers to melt.
Alejandro( confused whether to call himself Hani Salaam or not): hmmm..
Dimitri: Aleyandro...Aleyandro...
Hani Salaam: its Hani Salaam...
finally alejandro or hani has made a decision. Dimitri is troubled by this name changing regime. He has to remember a lot of names. Say yesterday it was Mikhail and day before Abrustki and day before that day Nabakanezzar(say it like ne-ba-ke-ne-czar). He wants to fix him up with a shrink. But its only his uncorrupted love for Haani Salaam that he is not doing it.
Dimitri: Ever wondered how difficult will it be for your children and your wife to live with you like that. In the morning they will be kissing a Mexican and in the evening they will be having a Jordanian for their father.
Haani Salaam: Jordanian...it sounds cool.
Dimitri: Leave it. Theres no point discussing it with you. Come on lets go for dinner. There is this amazing sea food festival going on.
Haani Salaam: Sea food...[in his mind: yuck..thoo..sick...faaaak...crabs...eeeee.....tarantula...harr harrr... ]. I like sea food. But today i am not in mood. Let's go to haveli (a cheap restaurant with a nice decent food. Plus 30% discount for Jordanians)
Dimitri:[in his mind: cheap man. why dont i have rich friends who can afford nice decent sea food] Haveli is a nice option but i would rather spend my buck on sea food than go there.
Haani Salaam: In that case we can go to JMRD(short for jai mata raani dhaba)..it will be cheap there
Dimitri: [in his brain: heights of cheapness...that place where all the cheapras go. For faaak sake please give this fat Jordanian some brain] I am not going to that god forsaken place. Holy cow...sweet faaking baby Geezuz..can;t you see that entire place is cheaper than my slippers. I can't let people see me self over there. What has happened to you? I can;t believe you are telling me this.
Haani Salaam: Man...
Dimitri: What...you can't arrange for bike...you cant arrange for a nice place for dinner..you are shit...you are faaaking nothin...you russian jordanian prick....
Haani Salaam: [in his mind: punch, low blow....1 2 3 4 take a deep breadth calm down...put a smile on your face] Chalo lets go to your fav place Subway. You happy you...
Dimitri: Subway[thank lord almighty for bestowing ur grace on this fat bastard]...hmm...ehmm...hmm.....hummm....umm....(pretending to be deep in thot) ok lets go. But arrange for a bike please.
Haani Salaam: When it comes to bikes i am the king.
Dimitri: Ehh...you could not do it that day and that day...and that day and that day and that day also...You call urself a bike arranger you deek
Haani Salaam: Come on take out your measuring tape. Pull out the monster and lets measure it for once and all.[in his mind: today is the day of enlightenment.]
Dimitri: [gives him the Look.]
friends there have been very rare occasions when Dimitri has taken the harsh recourse of using the Look. People say when he gives the Look the shit in their pants. People say that grass never grows at places where he gives the Look. People say that children stop whinning when he gives the Look. People say that they have heard above things from people.
Haani Salaam: Ok i am going.
so now Haani Salaam leaves his room and goes to meet his homees[this spelling mistake in intentional] to arrange for a bike. First he goes to Black Mamba. He can put coal to shame. There is nothing more black about this fellow than the sheer color of his skin. Without sounding any more racists i want to make you aware of a fact: Amerian chicks have orgasm every time they do ding dong. Chinese have everytime they play ping pong. Indians dont understand either so they call it dhin chuk dhin chuk. African chicks have 2 per session. No marks for guessing the reason. Anyways coming back to the point. Black Mamba, as he was called by Aleyandro, now Haani Salaam, had a well maintained bike.
Haani Salaam: Hey dude can you give me your bike, I have urgent business to attend to. Actually my local guardian is not well.[ As dimitri said]
Black Mamba: No re. I dont give it to anybody. Aliens ask me. So does Arse leeckers. I cant give it you. Sorry be.
Haani Salaam: Chill dude. We are homees.
Dejected and sad Haani Salaam proceeds to next option, but it now that he realises that there is no second option. So he heads back to his room. He knows Dimitri will be waiting there with his vicious smile and poisonous taunts. If only God can strike him down with lightening.
Haani Salaam: Yea yea, laugh, taunt...
Dimitri: You good for nothing fat elephant.
[Suspense Element: They have reached the Subway and they both look happy. How and what happened. I dont know. Any Guesses??...boy this is some nail biting suspense. My hair are erect with the sheer excitement]
On reaching the Subway, Dimitri greets the Subway sandwich maker. It is his way of making alliances so that he can get that extra piece of cheese and also that extra myonese sauce and also that extra mustard sauce for free. Once Dimitri told me that Americans pay for these sauces. He felt extremely lucky not to go through the same ritual as his fellow al-gore loving americans do. He loved Al-gore but he loved the green paper more.
So now they both order their respective Subs.
Dimitri: Yea i know your usual style, nothing except for the onions and chilly sauce. You Jordanians.
Haani Salaam: Ela oooo Ekbar
Dimitri: Ikh Ella
[ If you are unable to follow what they are saying then don't worry. They are saying nothing of consequence over here.]
Haani Salaam: Now stop those mating calls
[ See i told you na nothing of consequence]
Dimitri: hmm...[taking a big bite of the sub]
it is at this critical juncture that the most beautiful girl enters the subway with a couple of her male friends. She is the kind of girl a Jordanian would die for. She is the kind of a girl who has no freckles on her skin like the Americans. She is the kind of a girl who speaks with a beautiful and titilating voice like the russians. She is the kind of a girl who by mistake entered the subway when two horny monsters were having their snack. She is the kind of girl whom you call Anya.
Haani Salaam: boy look at that chick, she is so clear. Crystal Clear
Dimitri: [Peeping through the side.] Now don't you do that. Its not gentlemanly. I have had plenty of chicks like that. Hold your drooling. Its making the sub wet.
Haani Salaam: [Drooling like a panda eating too many peaches]harr....harr...
grunting sounds made by haani Salaam when he is horny. Nothing to worry about.
At this critical moment i would like to stop and do an abrupt ending. This is because it adds to the suspense and also increases the amount of thinking a reader has to do. This also shows that i am sick and tired of typing.
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